I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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