The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just google imaged poop.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Randomize
