there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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