I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Im part way to drunk.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
