Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
