I wish I could teleport
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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