she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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