i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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