I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Come share oat with me in your robe
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
