On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
