Betty ford says i'm here all night
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
