doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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