I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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