I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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