Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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