you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
