Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
