I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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