I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
