i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
