Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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