birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
