My hand turned me down
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
