broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
These tits shall not be calmed
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
