tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I supernannyed him into submission
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
