This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
