remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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