Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
