BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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