I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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