Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
