Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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