i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
