i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
being pregnant is like rehab
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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