listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
