I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
