I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
