I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
