cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
dude i'm inner monologue high
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
