he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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