You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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