I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
God, I missed his penis.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
