my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
