I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
