I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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