I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
