I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
you will always have a special place in my vag
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
