I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
