u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
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