So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
