Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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